Monday, October 13, 2008
WA 2 Draft 1
Running. That was all he could think about. He had to get away. As he darted though the dense forest he could feel the mud squelch between his bare toes. The storm opened the heavens as he ran. Every part of his body was drenched. This was the first time he had ever felt so alive partly because of the mystery ahead of him but mostly because of the danger behind of him. The roar of thunder was a cannon instilling more terror in his heart than already present. Lighting ripped through the sky illuminating his face stinging his eyes. His senses had been so dulled that almost everything he did hurt. Even thinking for the first time created a pulsing numbness in his head driving him farther and faster. This seemed worse but somehow better than the icy metal chair he would now be sitting in back at the “hospital”. Re ran until suddenly he collided with a wall, twenty feet high and to long to run around. The concrete barrier was rough on his soft never used hands. His heart was now beating out of his chest. He waived his hands frantically in the air searching for away around under or over this monstrous thing. He hated it, hated it for much longer than two minutes. The hate flew into his head shrinking his brain inhibiting him from thinking. He picked up a small stone hurling it at the wall. Useless. Then suddenly a light came shining through the dense vegetation. “Why did you run away?” asked a voice from a mouth hidden by the blinding light. The running man did not need to see the face, he knew the voice all to well it was “Doctors” voice. A calm soothing voice that made everything better like falling into a dream that you want never to return from. The man hated Doctor even more than the wall. Out of the light stepped a group of men with restraining belts and syringes. “Why did you run away?” repeated Doctor as the running mans screams were muffled by the gag placed over his mouth. “I can give you everything you want, so there’s nothing to run from.” He could feel the needles entering his arms like fire piercing through his clammy veins. He would have screamed if he could. The fiery hotness spread throughout his entire body. Burning, scorching, blistering, blazing through his whole body until he felt warm and dazed and nothing as he blacked out. “I wonder what’s going through his head?” said Doctor Simon as he walked by the mans cell gazing into his window. “I don’t know” said a young attendant “But he sure was starting up a ruckus in there, something about a wall or something.” “Oh well” said Doctor Simon “Think about it to hard and you might end up in one of these sterile white boxes, I think that’s what would push me over the edge. Well say hi to Jenny and the kids for me will you. Have a good weekend” “Sure thing” murmured the attendant lost in thought. He stood there for a while. Thinking. His mind racing. Running.
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1 comment:
Good opening. I'm interested.
"..he sky illuminating his face(,) stinging his eyes."
"His senses had been so dulled that almost everything he did hurt." If his senses were dulled he wouldn't feel anything. His senses must be hieghtened.
This sentence is confusing, "Even thinking for the first time created a pulsing numbness in his head driving him farther and faster."
"...and to(o) long to run around."
"...he knew the voice all to well(.) (I)t was “Doctors” voice."
"he running man(')s screams"
Nice, "Burning, scorching, blistering, blazing through his whole body until he felt warm and dazed and nothing as he blacked out. "
Good ending! You just need to work on the grammer. Make sure to ('s) for possessives.
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